The Neighborly Absorption (Part 7)
Written by David J. Greenspan
Article published in Northampton Living (August 2021)
Dive in, all hands on deck. August is a grand slam 31-day hit parade. You don’t have to lead our horse to water because he plays water polo every day. The MVP – our most valuable pony won every event at this year’s pony awards. At a recent steeplechase workout, Clyde started slip sliding, trembled & tripped. He ruined his enclosure. With a foundation of keyboards, walls of drumsticks, ceilings covered in cymbals and guitar doors; we rebuilt his barn on rock and roll. If it can build a city, it surely can build an adequate barn. If you need someone to wake you up before you go-go, set your alarm.
When I grew up, cul-de-sack credibility was all that mattered. In those days, the price of a Maine lobster cost four times less than spuds. In English, the word lobster was originally ‘lopster’ or ‘loppestre.’ By 1905, a pound of a lobster was around 10 cents & up to 45 in ‘45. It surpassed the almighty dollar in the 70’s and rose to $4.20 by 2020. The largest lobster recorded weighed 44.4 pounds and was caught off the coast of Nova Scotia. I wonder how much an extinct Koala lemur’s femur weighed?
The Absorption’s coder, unpaid intern & entertainment guru, Declan Emerson, reports that a Leave it to Beaver spinoff is being discussed. It involves the grandchildren of Eddie Haskell and it is called The Little Haskell’s. Emerson, “The world-renowned info-tainment filmmaker of Crocodile Dande-Lion, Augustus Von Biddle and his production team - the Biddle Rascals need house cats for a new documentary called The Roaring 20s. If Jedi Knights were called hoody space wizards that franchise could have been really popular. Greedo should have walked faster as Han’s blaster fired first. Coming in July 2022, the next Indy movie is NOT called Indiana Jones and the brittle hip.”
For frontline workers & back of house villains; The Outskirts Depot is now offering free alterations & pleasure insurance – better known as pleasurance. It covers you in case you derive no pleasure from any of our rides and attractions. There is no “I” in team but there is one in notarize. The Southampton Notary of Things, (SNOT) will notarize up to 5 items a day for no charge. If you need a pedicure while your car is in tow; Toes and Tows has your feet covered. Artie’s Billiards is offering complimentary tables to anyone who calls their own shots. Enjoy, buy one get three free meals at The Digestion Suggestion. Licensed parapsychologist evaluate your aura, dieticians analyze your BMI, and they serve you accordingly. Mango taiyaki will be available at a meet & greet with actors from the new soap opera, The Whims of the Frivolous. For those who can’t attend in person, a virtual happening will drop double doses of non-fungible tokens throughout the event.
