Article published in Northampton Living
(December 2020)

As my cousin Anselm approached his death from AIDS, he wrote detailed instructions for his own private memorial dinner. According to plan, after the funeral a group of Anselm’s closest friends and family members went directly to a friend’s Manhattan apartment. We crowded around a large table weighed down with casseroles, stews, traditional dishes, elaborate salads, and all sorts of deserts. My cousin Carroll, who prepared the meal, invited us to read 3 by 5 cards she’d placed in front of every dish. Handwritten by Anselm, they told a story of why he chose each dish at the table. As I recall, the cards were love stories of sweet memories, mostly about his beloved mother, Miriam, who died about fifteen years earlier. Throughout that unforgettable evening, guided by Anselm and Carroll, we all ate, drank, reminisced, laughed, celebrated and mourned the great loss of a dear friend.

In the middle of a pandemic, we’d probably be hard pressed to imagine pulling off a communal gathering like I’ve just described. Social distancing has dramatically changed our family landscape. Covid 19 has challenged how we care for loved ones young and old, educate our children, gather as a family, perform our jobs, and mourn our losses.

That said, I’ve recently been reflecting on lessons I learned from Anselm and Carroll. Anselm taught me that even death offers opportunities for selfless giving. That certain foods carry rich and meaningful stories which nourish our bodies and our hearts. That by thinking outside the box, we might discover how to express our love, even under the most difficult circumstances. That if you can’t fulfill your vision alone, ask someone you love to help you. And Carroll reminded me of the meaning of friendship and loving kindness.

I’m reminded of these lines from Mary Oliver’s poem, Heavy: “It’s all in the way you embrace it, balance it, carry it when you cannot, and would not put it down.”

Mary Oliver reminds us that its not the weight we carry but how we carry it. Now more than ever, our fall and winter holy days carry an indescribable weight. So let’s think outside the box this year.

Here’s a challenge for you: Go to my website, www.robertzucker.com. Find my blog post entitled, It’s Not The Weight You Carry. There I’ll offer more suggestions for managing the holidays this year. I hope you’ll respond below the blog entry with your own ideas, stories and concerns. May we all walk together with grace, wisdom and loving kindness as our guide.

More contributions from Robert Zucker